If Jay Rayner can give you the lowdown for Christmas commandments, so can we, only ours are rules and his are much better and funnier and we’re just annoyed at everything Christmassy right now… roll on the Creme Eggs!
In the spirit of the the ten commandments, we at The Mouthful have decided to give some sound rules when it comes to your Christmas food shop and meal etiquette in our own, unique way. Unlike Dua Lipa, our rules actually make sense and don’t include the most annoying tune of 2017, take that, modern pop.
Warning, if you like prosecco, instagram and G&T’s you may not like us at the end.
You will not be a dick (especially to supermarket staff)
There is no place for being a dick at this time of joy and festivity. Sure, you’re stressed, your pupils are bloodshot, you’re probably suffering from a cold and you think the world owes you a break. It doesn’t and you needed to start on that echinacea sooner. All of this means one thing, you do not need to be a dick with supermarket staff. Simple Rule. They are stocking things as fast as they can. Parsnips are not worth the fight. Frozen peas? Use the ones welded to the back of the freezer. Stuffing? Do you even care if it’s on your plate, and what’s wrong with paxo anyway?
You will follow the 6 P’s (Perfect Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance
If there is one thing the 80s taught us, it was “you love it when a plan comes together”; just ask Hannibal Smith. Planning the Christmas shop is the closest thing you get to being stuck in a missile soylent and projected into space to live in a station, a la, Tim Peake and you didn’t see him leave without a bit of preparation. You don’t want to be no fool, as Mr T would say, so get some nuts and plan your fuc*ing shop!
You may go to the shops on the 27th so, chill
We get it, you’re sick of being at home, you accidentally took the 27th off and you’re now left trying to work off the calories and get your liver in full working order after the festive splurge; you’re one step away from doing a 2pm Donald and this time not on twitter. Remember, you can visit the supermarket, or shops but look back at rule number 1. You shall not be a dick to staff, of any kind.
You will not get ideas of grandeur with fancy food
Thanks to our constant pestering and well, Netflix and the BBC, you think you can cook. You can’t. You can, just not what the pros do. They have tweezers for parsley, you have tweezers for the harder to reach places of your grooming etiquette. Now is not the time to go ‘Billy Big Bollocks’. Do not attempt a five bird roast. Don’t consider a litre of wine gravy. Don’t contemplate flambaying your panettone. The pro’s have spent years fucking up and making people pay, you don’t want the reputation of the person that ballsed the Christmas dinner.
You will drink something other than a G&T
We know who you are. You’re on Tinder, approximately between the ages of 20 – 65, and you’re female, we get it, you love a G&T. You have drinking glasses which resemble the old gold fish bowls and you add so much ice, you belong in a Notorious B.I.G video but have you ever considered something a little different? If you’ve never watched Mad Men, they were wasted before 11am on something called, a Manhattan, which if you drink enough G&T’s will… well, you get the picture.
Prosecco will be drunk in moderation
You’re not at the races.
You will not play with your food
Whilst the idea of sticking a plump, prepared turkey on your head may bring laughter, it also brings a health hazard and an awkward explanation if caught in the act. You are not on the set of Friends. It is not 2001, you’re better than this. Chipolatas go straight into the oven and shall not be used to imitate Harvey Weinstein near your plant pot.
You will treat leftovers as your best friends
If you’re still reeling from rule number 7, we’re sorry, but you know what you’ll be more sorry about? Not having thought about the boxing day feast you could have had, had you planned (see rule 3) your leftover meal. A turkey curry? Sourdough for fancy ass sandwiches? Enough cheese for a melt? Rocky road from the selection box? Think, what am I going to be eating when Back to The Future or Uncle Buck is on?
You must not forget the cheese board
Brie prepared for a pun laden suggestion. If it’s not gouda enough for your trolley, edam better well be treading carefully for your guests camembert a poor cheese selection. Comté think about it, you better not be stilton on the selections from last year, the only blue vein you want to see should be on the board and not your guests foreheads.
(Read this again on christmas day with port, you’ll think we’re frickin hilarious on reflection.)
You will give thanks to the chef, even on instagram
Have instagram do you? Think you’re clever with your Superzoom? Are the kids “boomeranging” things? Does the Hefe filter make your trout pout more… pouty? Giving thanks should be done in person, and not just on Instagram, but if you’re going to take pictures remember, a public aknowledgement will make them smile… even if their username is @bigdaddy67.