Just before the festivities I decided to dish out some soundly advice about your Christmas cheer, in fairness they were rules and because Jay Rayner even gave his own personal blessing, thank you, Jay, we thought that we had solved world food issues without breaking too much of a sweat.
It worked, for all of a week, we’ve been told.
As soon as the clock struck midnight, thoughts turned to #newyearnewme diatribe, “out with the old, in with the new” was uttered across pursing lips whilst trying to digest another Jools Holland Hootananny featuring the same song selection of man who peaked in 2005.
Nothing then has changed. We are all on the hamster wheel of food sins, and even our yule tide rules, some of which were more than for the festivities have been horribly forgotten. Cast away like Madonna’s acting skills or the third panettone which you were fed up of turning into another, bread and butter pudding.
Never fear, however, because that’s why I’ve had to be dragged out of meetings, fixing this site and the horror of client work, because The Mouthful doesn’t pay, #sadtimes, to bring you some new year, new food rules.
Oh, thank me later in the year, I’ve just made you ten thousand times more appealing, well, our rules have.
1) You shall not complain about your “new year, new me diet”
No one cares. Seriously, they don’t. Unless your doing it for health reasons because a doctor has told you, “one more glass of red could take you” or “that gooey mess is one dish away from a third bypass” you shall not complain about the food you are forcing yourself to eat. We all have problems, you having a salad, is no one else’s problem but yours.
2) You shall not boast about your “new year, new me diet”
Likewise, if you’ve gone vegan or dry or, boring, boasting about it doesn’t make you the top of the list to invite to any function, not even one designed to turn people into a drooling wreck, like an insurance convention would. Bravo you on making some decisions, I/we, don’t need to know about it.
3) You will forgo the fads of previous years
Take every fad, like unicorn food, and place it in that part of the brain that could only give recall if electrodes and a hot spear were inserted into the right place. Let’s leave that there.
4) ”Tasty” videos will be banned from your social feeds
Don’t share, don’t tag, don’t even get a morsel of excitement at what, if it were any other genre would be considered intellectual dereliction. You as food lovers have the right to tell the person that tagged you to “Fu*k off” at these monstrosities; you, the food world, is better than this.
5) You will not share food abominations with your friends
See point 4. Furthermore, please note, every time you do, a unicorn based product dies.
6) Wine, just drink it!
Whilst the professionals tell you all about tasting notes, quality, history and how old the wine picker was, all you should care about is, “do I like it?” If the answer is yes, great, if not, then, onto a new one. Sure, rosé is all the rage come spring/summer, crisp chilled whites for hot evenings and punchy reds for a winter’s night but if you only like Pinot Griggio, you velour wearing person, then just drink it.
7) You will not be a dick on review sites.
You know who you are. Being a dick is a no no. Being a dick about a restaurant you’ve visited once and won’t even speak to management because of your experience, instead turning to an anonymous site that could ruin them is a joke. You are scum, you will not be scum.
8) You will try something other than, gin
Please, just try something new.
9) You can forgive yourself for the occasional blow out
The three hour Sunday roast, the double serving of dessert, your Monday evening spent watching the Food Network, or a gastronomic trip to the continent (before you have to queue for hours with your blue passports) is totally allowed, actually, it is in our written constitution, or will be. Time to lobby!
10) Put the phone down
Do not, I repeat, do not, stop conversation to pull out your smartphone to take a picture of your sourdough with avocado or, restaurant meal. Savour the moment, don’t be a photographic dick!