What Does Your Colour Tea Say About You?

Tea Chart The Mouthful

Say what you want about the Brits, but no day and no issue can be resolved without someone uttering the words, “shall I make a cup of tea?”

Whether it’s a bad letter through the post to some orange-faced tiger turd launching a nuclear weapon, the stoic British response is to reach for a freshly brewed cup of tea. Unlike a massive trade deal, there is much to be discussed when however making one. Forget sugar or no sugar, recent times have called for more pointed measures, yes, we’re talking about the colour of your brew.

Whether you’re the kind of person that photographs their cup to demonstrate what your brew should look like, or you’re more versed with Google, tea colour charts are the rage. We wanted to go one step further though and try to analyse what kind of person you are, non-scientifically, as to what potential character traits one has through their tea colour

Tea Chart The Mouthful

Gandalf The White
You scared a hot cup of water with a tea bag and added milk, lots of it to be precise. We wonder if you have any kind of backbone or tastebuds to that matter. You probably enjoy the dulcet melancholy tedium that is a Jess Glynne album and you use the word, bae, because you think you’re cool. You’re not. You don’t even know how to make tea, life owes you nothing.

The Bolton Tan
You weren’t sure what you were doing, either way, it’s not really a colour. David Lynch probably came up with Twin Peaks based on a tea like this, which is no mean feat, but its Lynch and he was probably eating a pie and we need to credit that for the inspiration because anyone who drinks a tea like this; has no imagination. You’re the kind of person that starts a job and doesn’t finish it and the last time you heard “vitamin D” you thought it was a new member of Steps.

Northern Brew
To the South, this poses the greatest single threat they encounter on a daily basis, well, that, and a gust of wind, up north though, you’re one of the good’uns. You face adversity with a cuppa in one hand, whilst engaging in mocking jibes on Twitter on how Southerners drink something called “a shandy.” You’re hated by lots of factions of society, most people think you sit at home watching Jeremy Kyle all day and that you voted Brexit on purpose.

Brown Eyed Girl
You think you’re Guy Martin and you spend all day covered in latent thoughts about working with your hands and dressed in overalls. You want to be a mechanic but you’re in accounting. We know this because, you conveniently forgot to pay for milk and have run out mid pour. Your tastebuds can handle this kind of lazy planning, but heaven forbid someone touches your stationary or Lexus…

Aintree Races
You probably have better hair and can control yourself on any normal Friday but your tea selection makes us think that you treat your tea like you treat your lover, with utter disdain and zero self-respect, especially if you can see a glass of prosecco on the horizon. You regularly pick fights with people you shouldn’t and your online profile projects someone who likes cushions and the improper use of ‘your’. You don’t even like tea, this is just a way to keep people happy.

Black Sabbath
Your soul is dark, but not as dark as this fake cup of tea, it’s just coffee. You see no point in spending all that time trying to find the perfect balance when your 40 day dry roasted, southern planted, Guatemalan, aspro-acidic bean and fermented in goat shit has made your choice less fussy than someone who can’t decide on milk quantities… You laugh in the face of tea drinkers, you’re Ozzy Osbourne, they’re, Bon Jovi.

About mouthful

A group of writers that piece together the stories you want about food, drink and mercilessly mock our editor.

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