This last year has seen women’s voices grow louder and more prominent, from the Women’s Marches that took place in cities around the world to the #metoo movement. Indeed the UK is currently marking 100 years of women’s suffrage (#notallwomen, only those over 30) with events up and down the country commemorating the suffragette movement. The future just got a whole lot more female.
Yet it seems some haven’t got the memo. Enter the CEO of PepsiCo, owner of the Doritos brand, Indra Nooyi, who noted that male fans of the corn based snack like to get really stuck in, crunching loudly, licking their fingers and then tipping the broken crumbs into their mouths. “Women, I think would love to do the same,” she mused, “They don’t like to crunch in public. And they don’t lick their fingers generously and they don’t like to pour the little broken pieces and the flavour into their mouths.”
Refusing to acknowledge the hole she had dug for herself, Nooyi continued, insisting “It’s not a male and female thing as much as ‘are there snacks for women that can be designed and packaged differently?’ And yes, we are looking into it, and we’re getting ready to launch a bunch of them soon.”
I know what you’re thinking, and yes, me too.
So excited was I at the prospect of a gentler, more ladylike style of crisp, I started imagining what it would be like.
Ladies, I give you, The Mouthful Lady Crisp™️ (patent pending):
- The Mouthful Lady Crisp ™️ would come in a really big bag. Because when I have raging PMT I like nothing better than stuffing my face with some kind of corn-based snack, preferably with a neon-yellow nacho “cheese” dip.
- Oh and don’t try and fob me off by saying they are “handbag”sized unless that handbag belongs to Mary Poppins.
- And not just a really big bag. It has to be full. Not half full. Not four crisps and then a lot of air. Properly full.
- It will absolutely not have “sharing” anywhere on the packet or marketing. Nobody is sharing anything, Janet, so stop trying to pinch my crisps.
- They will absolutely be ridged for her pleasure. Everyone knows ridges mean more flavour retention and extra crunch.
- When dunked into the aforementioned neon yellow dip, they will maintain their rigidity. Moving on…
- Quiet crisps may suit Nooyi and her friends but with a crunch loud enough to drown out the first sounds of “Well actually…”, The Mouthful Lady Crisp ™️ will ensure you are heard in every social situation.
- And the best thing is they come in a range of Lady-friendly flavours, specially designed to never leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth.
Like the BIC For Her ball point pens, The Mouthful Lady Crisp ™️ is for the go-getting Millennial woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to go after it. The perfect snack to eat between your afternoon board meeting and evening yoga session, without leaving you bloated before the kids’ bedtime. With The Mouthful Lady Crisp ™️ you really can have it all!
Just not mine, I was serious about not sharing.